top of page

Good Guys with Guns


They gave all the teachers guns but one of the teachers accidentally used one of the guns and the gun shot a kid in the classroom and the kid died of a bullet wound to the neck from the bullet shot from the gun. 


So they decided, in order to prevent this from ever happening again, to employ a second teacher for every teacher, and give that teacher a gun, and then that teacher would be able to protect the class from the other teacher in case the other teacher used their gun in the wrong way. 


The school budget thereby increased to higher than that of the military industrial complex, much to the delight of lefties - there were more armed teachers now than there were soldiers. 


To rectify this imbalance, they gave every soldier another gun so now the number of guns in the army was equal to that of the number of guns in the schools and this balanced the budget, which the right wingers were happy to see. 


But then, you guessed it, one of the secondary gun teachers actually used their gun to shoot the other teacher in an argument over marking, and in order to not have any witnesses the second teacher actually shot the whole class and 33 kids died. 


There was a national outcry. 


They decided that the only solution was, at last, to give every kid a gun. 


Only then would they be protected against the fucking armed teachers, who let's face it, were on the rampage. 


Discipline improved when the teachers had guns, but now that the kids had guns, discipline didn’t improve. 


It did the opposite. 


It de-proved. 


Kids just did whatever they wanted - who does maths when you’ve got a fucking gun!? 


Things got out of hand when the school bully formed a sort of child soldier African-Jungle-Militia style cabal of followers and they went all out war against the nerds. 


To solve this the nerds were given higher-grade weaponry such as nerve agents and this calmed things for a while. 


But then after a disastrous school-dinner, in which the pasta was far from al dente, one of the Italian exchange students shot the dinner ladies. 


The dinner ladies were given guns. 


Finally, everyone ate their vegetables. 


Parents’ night came around - the parents already had guns, but there was a chance that one of the more ‘kooky’ parents might not bring their AK47 to parents’ night. 


This would upset the carefully poised power balance in the school. 


So to force every parent to bring their gun, the SAS attended parents’ night and shot at any parents who forget to bring their family arsenal. 


The SAS guys had to be given teachers’ holidays in order to agree to this. 


This was a disaster for national security because it basically meant the army was on holiday for half the year. 


Russia invaded during summer vacation and took all our guns away and everyone ended up in the fucking gulag camps, working at Putin’s slave factories in Siberia. 


Putin laughed. 


He was a bad guy with a gun. 


The ONLY gun in the world. 


He had banned all the other guns! 


We all wished we had our guns back. 


Fucking Democrats.

bottom of page